On change and difficulties

I have two choices, trust you with a new life or trust you with this present one.

Either choice requires faith, trust in your love for me, your plans for me. 

I said something the other day, it got me thinking, Lord. 

Sarah's move to the states made me feel like my security blanket was taken away. I felt afraid, thinking that her presence gave me a sense of peace that things were under control, that things were safe. 

And as I said those words, I heard you speak that you wanted to be my security, refuge, my hope, my comfort. 

She is a tool used for your glory to minister help, friendship, and guidance to me.  My security should be in the one wielding the tool. It is in him and his hands that my confidence should rest. 

Lord, I confess that I worshipped the workmanship rather than the creator. Forgive me. Have mercy on me, a sinner, oh Son of David.

I see so dimly. Clarity eludes me many times, but I seek your face, to hear you share your thoughts with me. Please do not despise me, listen to me when I cry out to you, Lord, let not my voice fall on deaf ears. You love me, the way you loved your people of old. Honor me, for your mercy's sake, for the honor of your name. Keep your promise to me, that in all things, through Christ Jesus, I shall not drown, nor be consumed. 

He stumbled. He fell, and his choice has unleashed a series of formidable opponents. 

The doubt feels justified, the fear and anger and pain all pick up weapons, and begin to wave them in my face. I am threatened with destruction, and I am tempted to threaten him in return. 

But you say that what the enemy means for evil, you can use for good. 

I choose, today again, to walk with you. To draw near and grasp for you, even if in the dark. The daily struggle is brutal, it leaves me bleeding at times, exhausted at others, and overall, I am battle-worn. I feel confused, not sure if I am too stubborn to step aside. Lord, help me in my confusion, you are not the originator of it. Please, I ask you in Jesus' name, show me, clearly again, your hope and desire for me. 

Cleanse me from impurities. Lead me in love. Lead me to peace. As a sheep. My shepherd, your staff, and rod comfort me. 

Let me not be ashamed for trusting in you. Lord, I believe, Help my unbelief. I am weak, but you are active in my weakness. You promised to never leave me nor forsake me. Thank you for growth. Thank you for this choice. Thank you for the opportunity to trust in you more.