On depression and being a type 4

I have this intrusive, old acquaintance.
He's an inconsistent constant in my life,
making unexpected visits at most inopportune times.

I seem to attract him though, something about the way I think seems to give him hope that there is a future for us.
He tries unrelentingly to find a permanent place in my home.
His shadow drains the joys from my life.
I've tried telling him to bug off.

I mean, yes, I've entertained him in the past. I guess in a way I led him on. I made him feel like he was important to me. Like he had a solid future at my side.

I don't know why he comes around anymore, other than he knows that he can still affect my life somehow.

It's a terrible relationship really, I haven't been very good at cutting him loose.
Like feeding a stray cat, you can't expect to be left alone if you still put out the occasional bowl of milk.

I want to be freed of his usurping power. I want to learn how to look him in the eye and say, without fear of retaliation, "I have moved on."

****************************

I've made a new friend.

He is spectacularly simple to look at, nothing alluring in his gaze, except that he penetrates the concrete wall around my heart with his love.

He is teaching me about belonging. His presence is home. His name is a comfort, and my being finds an abiding joy in him.

In my sadness, I am at rest in him.